Saturday, 22 April 2017

My little fixations

I've never been examined for nor diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. But I know enough, and recognize some of myself enough in the literature to strongly suspect that I have it.

At some point in my life I must have sought out human company spontaneously. But I'm socially-awkward and often don't remember to gauge my responses to social situations. At best I make people uncomfortable with my unexpected actions-reactions; at worst it is easy to victimize and bully me. My reaction time to social situations is measured in minutes, even days, you see. This often leads to crippling self-loathing and shame.

I rarely feel comfortable enough to look someone in the eye directly. It is 'painful' to me in that I don't know how long is appropriate so I tend to avoid it. I've had bad experiences. It gives me the impression that it is easy to 'hate' me. Though, my saving grace have been friends who'd come to the bat for me. But even here I have a hard time expressing my love for them all.

I have a faux marble floor in my crapper that I find entertaining. I look for patterns (mostly human and animal faces) in the marbling itself. Some images I see are comic book quality, and some I swear were drawn by da Vinci.

This fascination with abstract and found patterns permeates my being. I usually see abstract patterns only to found out that they've already been described by professionals. Physics, prime numbers...I let the juices ferment 'til I find transcendence. It is enough that I share in the experience of illumination. The spontaneous rejoicing at the moment of realization is my reward.

Lately, I've been trying to figure myself. It is not fun being depressed. I may most likely not find the answers but depression is not a permanent condition (this much I know). I know that I'm not a write-off. Though I expect I will always live alone I have a core of loved-ones (past and present) that integrate me as who I am.


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